Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he puts the penis in happiness.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
