On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
