just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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