i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
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I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
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ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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