I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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