Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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