She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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