i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
