Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
