i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
