paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
