How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just forgot I was standing up.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
