Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How external is "for external use only"?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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