Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
