drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
