Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
