I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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