i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
