When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
