Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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