I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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