put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
