yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Of course I have a pirate flag
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
