i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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