Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
