BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
