I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
