I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
