He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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