apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
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Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
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That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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