I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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