That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
