I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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