Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hippo gnu deer
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
