An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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