I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a shit load of segways right now
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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