She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize