so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
