I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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