i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
