That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
