Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
