my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
