I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
