I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
