I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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