I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
