At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i think i have two assholes
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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