I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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