He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
