I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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