Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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