i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
