masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My dick has a subreddit
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
