I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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