my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
