A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
