Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
