i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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