Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
